The Most Common Negative Triggers

Often I find measureable things trigger our judgmental brain. Inviting us to analyze how we are doing in life. It could be how much is your bank account, how much you weigh, how many hours you worked or slept. These are all measurements, in which we have a personal scale in our head that triggers internal judgments.

The Scale is a Fantasy

Your internal scale is bunk. Someone in the world is doing worse than you, with less money, more weight, working more hours. They might think you are the luckiest person. Although the scale feels real, it isn’t. On a bad day, the measurement critic gets triggered and we are in “The Dip.”

The Solution to Escape

Start by naming the things that are working in life. This sounds cheesy, but I guarantee it works. Maybe it is your good health, your neighbor was nice today, and you have enough toilet paper in your house. Choose anything. Keep thinking of things until you feel better. When we are able to look at life from a broader perspective, we start to see how the details don’t matter.

The Zombie Runner and the Downward Spiral

On a Sunday, I planned a long run. The night before I was doing the Electric Slide like a maniac at my kid’s school fundraiser. The next day my left quad muscle wasn’t functioning. To move, I had to drag my left leg behind me like a zombie. As time passed, I realized I was jogging the slowest miles of my life. If I hadn’t been triggered by the “slowest of my life pace” maybe I would have considered another option—like going back to bed.

My Inner Critic Spinning Out of Control

My mind started to say: What is your problem? What is wrong with you? You “think” you are a runner? I thought about everything else that was wrong. Really this is the lamest you have ever been. Your bank balance is too low. Your car needs help. I can’t believe Iraq… Pretty soon my shoulders tensed up. I started to carry my shoulders up near my ears.

Think Globally

An hour into it, I finally tried the strategy: What is working here? It was fun last night to pretend I was 20 again and slap the floor on each rotation of the dance. At least I am staying with my personal commitment today. Thank goodness it is Mother’s Day and I don’t have to cook breakfast!

Look at the Big Picture

Finally, my shoulders loosened up and my arms moved freely again. By mile 6, I was still dragging my leg but when I saw my shadow it made me laugh more than cry. The zombie stride was definitely funny and the next run could only get better. If you are stuck in The Dip, ask yourself “What is working?” and keep asking until your mood changes. Then you can move forward, although it maybe slow. Forward motion is often better than none.

All around me people are struggling to start something new.  Often I think it is because we haven’t ended the old thing well.  Here is a way to jump start your beginning.

Are you craving a new beginning? It could be a new job, relationship, house or a new body. Do you love New Year’s Day or your birthday, days that represent new beginnings? Craving the new thing doesn’t make it happen. The crucial way to create a great beginning is to create a healthy end. Often we haven’t sufficiently ended the old and it blocks us from starting the new. Here are the keys to ending well, so you can begin again.

The Good at the End

The solution to complete an ending is to dive into it. We must enter into the ugliness, looking honestly for the reason it occurred. If we avoid the ending, it will take over our lives in forms of distraction. The key is exploring the reason the ending came about. This gives us utter clarity—we have the opportunity to see life for what it truly is.

Potential Pitfall to the End

Unfortunately, some of us (like myself) can martyr ourselves to the ends of things. I believe, falsely, the longer I mourn the loss of something, the more I cared. If I mourn the ending longer, it means I was better in it. Mourning the loss of a person, relationship or job doesn’t make us better at it. It just keeps us stuck in the past

Integrate It

Ideally, we can learn from the loss and use it as a catalyst to change. When we see the past for what it is, we invite in the learning. There is always a new lesson from a death. We can leverage the learning, as a gift. We honor what the person and experience gave us. Transform it into honoring their legacy, making us better. When we change, we create meaning from the loss. The meaning allows us to move forward.

Launch Your New Thing

When you integrate your losses, you have more energy and power in the moment. You can create more easily and commit more deeply. What new aspects of you can build a beginning?

Spring often inspires us to create new beginnings. If this idea of “ubuntu” inspires you, check out my guide from a previous blog on Growth Partnerships. It is a great way to gain support around your new beginnings and lean into the idea of ubuntu with another person.

Being human is essentially a connected experience.  The word “ubuntu,” an ideal popularized in South Africa, is the word that celebrates this ideal.  At times we think of ourselves as struggling individuals, caught up in the challenges of life. To be human is to be fundamentally part of the whole, yet so much more.

Leverage our connectedness.

Ubuntu is roughly translated as: I am what I am because who we all are. We are who we are through togetherness.  Ubuntu is the reason why I don’t do more classes online. When we come together, magic happens. Others see the best in us, the beauty of who we really are.  They hold up the truth for us, when we have forgotten it for ourselves. Being connected allows us to see more, to do more, than we ever thought possible.  When it is another person or a team of people seeing you—for who you really are—you believe it.

Different from what you think.

Being our best is not a selfish pursuit.  We positively impact others, when we show our “true” self.  As we each strive to be better, we are all better. When we improve as individuals, we improve as a whole. By one individual changing for the best, we start the chain reaction of everyone we touch. Ubuntu uplifts us.

Take togetherness a step further.

Often in relationships or groups, we fear our vulnerability. We hide our pain and our light to create safety. Ubuntu calls us forth to be all that we truly are.  To give support to others, to say the thing that needs to be said, to take right actions. In kind, we must ask for support, to hold the “space” for our true self to come to play.  This begs us to design relationships that call us forth. This is what creates the courage to live in our brilliance and vulnerabilities, which ultimately motivates others.

Make it real.

We are not individual drops of water; we are drops of water in a huge ocean.  Each time, you let your light shine; you inspire greatness in us all. Ubuntu means striving to be our best, and supporting others to be their best.  We do this because of inextricably bond to each other. Ultimately, we are better together.